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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #26
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    There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
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    Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris
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    Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
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  4. #29
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    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
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  5. #30
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    What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

    Nothing, you've already told her twice!!
    2010 LeMans Blue M Sport 335i: JB3 2.0, BMS DCI, BMS TT/BG, 19" VM V714, JB Kidneys, Painted Ref, Debadged, UR CL DP's, TEIN S-Tech Springs

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  6. #31
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by Wizzle335 Click here to enlarge
    What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

    Nothing, you've already told her twice!!
    Q: Why did God make women?
    A: God isn't going to vacuum his own room.
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  7. #32
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    Q: What was the smartest thing to ever come out of a womans mouth?

    A: Einstein's penis

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    How do you fix a woman's watch?

    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

  9. #34
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    To all women,
    On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:

    - The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
    - Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
    - When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
    - When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
    - If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
    - If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
    - If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
    - I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
    - Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
    - Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
    - If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
    - I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
    - Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
    - Don't ask me to guess what occasion it is, just tell me and what I need to do to get it over with.
    - I won't remember anything you say during, A. NFL playoffs, B. NBA playoffs, C. NHL playoffs, D. MLB playoffs
    - If a fast car pulls up next to me at a light, there is no stopping what will take place next, just like there is no stopping your period.
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  10. #35
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    WORD FUN


    Did you know that the words ‘race car’ spelled backwards still spells ‘race car’?



    The word ‘eat’ is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, spells its past tense, ‘ate’?



    And if you rearrange the letters in ‘illegal immigrants’ and add just a few more letters, it spells:



    Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, violent, non-English-speaking intruders and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass friends with you’

  11. #36
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by Sticky Click here to enlarge
    To all women,
    On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:

    - The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
    - Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
    - When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
    - When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
    - If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
    - If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
    - If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
    - I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
    - Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
    - Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
    - If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
    - I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
    - Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
    - Don't ask me to guess what occasion it is, just tell me and what I need to do to get it over with.
    - I won't remember anything you say during, A. NFL playoffs, B. NBA playoffs, C. NHL playoffs, D. MLB playoffs
    - If a fast car pulls up next to me at a light, there is no stopping what will take place next, just like there is no stopping your period.
    This is the GREATEST EVER!! I read them to my wife abd we are dying cracking up!

  12. #37
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by LostMarine Click here to enlarge
    This is the GREATEST EVER!! I read them to my wife abd we are dying cracking up!
    How the hell does BB have so many young guys that are married?
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  13. #38
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    28-2nd marriage Click here to enlarge

  14. #39
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by LostMarine Click here to enlarge
    28-2nd marriage Click here to enlarge
    Kids?
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  15. #40
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    A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say something with hell and you say something with ass."
    The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
    When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mum, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
    WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mum locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can $#@!ing bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

  16. #41
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    ^ HAHAhah, nice!
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  17. #42
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    A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
    He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
    "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I got married?"

  18. #43
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    1 out of 1 members liked this post. Yes Reputation No
    here's a funny joke:

    "bimmerpost"

    ROFL.

  19. #44
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    Click here to enlarge

  20. #45
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    bimmerpost is a really bad joke.

    like this one;

    What's the best part about having a bath with a thirteen year old?


    She can slick back her hair and look like she's 9.

  21. #46
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    Whats the difference between a picnic table and a mexican?

    A picnic table can support a family of four

  22. #47
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    What time is bed time at Micheal Jackson's house?

    When the big hand touches the little hand.

  23. #48
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    What's the best thing about $#@!ing twenty eight year olds?


    There's twenty of them!

  24. #49
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    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
    "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
    They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."
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  25. #50
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    A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
    "What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
    "You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that jerk sitting in your lap!"
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