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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #376
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    Lol

  2. #377
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    -My girlfriend said bringing toys into the bedroom would spice up our sex lives... so I double fisted her with a set of Hulk Hands.

    - I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife's request and found our new family doctor is a young female. I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I'm a professional -
    I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out". I said "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny".

  3. #378
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    Good ones!

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    A Woman Walks Into The Downtown Welfare Office, Trailed By 15 Kids.

    "Wow," The Social Worker Exclaims, "Are They All Yours?"

    "Yep, They Are All Mine,"

    The Flustered Momma Sighs, Having Heard That Question A Thousand Times Before.

    She Says, "Sit Down Terry. " All The Children Rush To Find Seats.

    "Well, " Says The Social Worker, "Then You Must Be Here To Sign Up.

    I'll Need All Your Children's Names."

    "Well, To Keep It Simple, The Boys Are All Named Terry And The Girls Are All Named Terri."

    In Disbelief, The Case Worker Says, "Are You Serious? They're All Named Terry?"

    Their Momma Replied, "Well, Yes-it Makes It Easier.

    When It's Time To Get Them Out Of Bed And Ready For School , I Yell, 'Terry!' And When It's Time For Dinner, I Just Yell 'Terry!' And They All Come A Running. And If I Need To Stop The Kid Who's Running Into The Street, I Just Yell 'terry'

    And All Of Them Stop. It's The Smartest Idea I Ever Had, Naming Them All Terry."

    The Social Worker Thinks This Over For A Bit, Then Wrinkles Her Forehead And Says Tentatively, "But What If You Just Want One Kid To Come, And Not The Whole Bunch?"

    "Then I Call Them By Their Last Names."

  5. #380
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by e92 Click here to enlarge
    A Woman Walks Into The Downtown Welfare Office, Trailed By 15 Kids.

    "Wow," The Social Worker Exclaims, "Are They All Yours?"

    "Yep, They Are All Mine,"

    The Flustered Momma Sighs, Having Heard That Question A Thousand Times Before.

    She Says, "Sit Down Terry. " All The Children Rush To Find Seats.

    "Well, " Says The Social Worker, "Then You Must Be Here To Sign Up.

    I'll Need All Your Children's Names."

    "Well, To Keep It Simple, The Boys Are All Named Terry And The Girls Are All Named Terri."

    In Disbelief, The Case Worker Says, "Are You Serious? They're All Named Terry?"

    Their Momma Replied, "Well, Yes-it Makes It Easier.

    When It's Time To Get Them Out Of Bed And Ready For School , I Yell, 'Terry!' And When It's Time For Dinner, I Just Yell 'Terry!' And They All Come A Running. And If I Need To Stop The Kid Who's Running Into The Street, I Just Yell 'terry'

    And All Of Them Stop. It's The Smartest Idea I Ever Had, Naming Them All Terry."

    The Social Worker Thinks This Over For A Bit, Then Wrinkles Her Forehead And Says Tentatively, "But What If You Just Want One Kid To Come, And Not The Whole Bunch?"

    "Then I Call Them By Their Last Names."
    Spectacular.

  6. #381
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by Sticky Click here to enlarge
    Spectacular.
    agreed.
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  7. #382
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    ^Brilliant Click here to enlarge
    There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works

  8. #383
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    Over five thousands years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
    Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
    Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the PRomised Land!


    I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.
    I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English.
    I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
    Folks, we're screwed...

    A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
    "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
    "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
    "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
    A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
    "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
    There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works

  9. #384
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    A woman went to her doctor for advice.

    She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

    "Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

    "Actually, yes, I do."

    "Does it hurt you?" he asked.

    "No. I rather like it."

    "Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

    The woman was mystified.

    "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

    "Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"
    There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works

  10. #385
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    I got a sweater for Christmas. I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

  11. #386
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by alpinedevil335 Click here to enlarge
    I got a sweater for Christmas. I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
    hahha

    shiv is charging 640 for a 250 pump..




  12. #387
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by E90SoFlo Click here to enlarge
    hahha

    shiv is charging 640 for a 250 pump..
    hilarious!

  13. #388
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by alpinedevil335 Click here to enlarge
    hilarious!
    I thought so too! haha merry christmas!




  14. #389
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    Not really a joke, but clever teacher.

    Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends.
    They had a great time, however, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Mississippi until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final.
    They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.
    The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.
    "Cool ," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
    They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page. It said: (95 Points). Which tire?
    Burger Motorsports
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    It is the sole responsibility of the purchaser and installer of any BMS part to employ the correct installation techniques required to ensure the proper operation of BMS parts, and BMS disclaims any and all liability for any part failure due to improper installation or use. It is the sole responsibility of the customer to verify that the use of their vehicle and items purchased comply with federal, state and local regulations. BMS claims no legal federal, state or local certification concerning pollution controlled motor vehicles or mandated emissions requirements. BMS products labeled for use only in competition racing vehicles may only be used on competition racing vehicles operated exclusively on a closed course in conjunction with a sanctioned racing event, in accordance with all federal and state laws, and may never be operated on public roads/highways. Please click here for more information on legal requirements related to use of BMS parts.

  15. #390
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by fastgti69 Click here to enlarge
    Not really a joke, but clever teacher.

    Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends.
    They had a great time, however, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Mississippi until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final.
    They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.
    The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.
    "Cool ," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
    They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page. It said: (95 Points). Which tire?
    Haha I enjoyed that.

    I would have put

    "the flat one"




  16. #391
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by E90SoFlo Click here to enlarge
    Haha I enjoyed that.

    I would have put

    "the flat one"
    And that would be the right answer.

  17. #392
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    hahahahahahaha

  18. #393
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    dude this is funny

  19. #394
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    Recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I just turned 'sixty-ish'.

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?" "Oh no" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

    Then he asked "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" "I said "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

    "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No I don't" I said.

    He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have a lots of sex?" "No" I said. He looked at me and said "Then, why do you give a $#@!?"

  20. #395
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by alpinedevil335 Click here to enlarge
    Recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I just turned 'sixty-ish'.

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?" "Oh no" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

    Then he asked "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" "I said "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

    "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No I don't" I said.

    He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have a lots of sex?" "No" I said. He looked at me and said "Then, why do you give a $#@!?"
    Click here to enlarge
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  21. #396
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    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by Sticky Click here to enlarge
    To all women,
    On behalf ME....I would like to clarify a few points:

    - The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
    ~Agreed!
    - Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
    ~that's just weird
    - When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
    ~I hate when people do that!
    - When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
    ~PLEASE DONT TURN ON JERSEY SHORE!
    - If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
    ~I don't trust guys to do lundry so this is acceptable... except.. if I can carry a 75lb hose I think I can carry a 10lb laundry basket
    - If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
    ~I hate girls and gossip -__-
    - If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
    ~hahahah I tell this to Garth all the time!!
    - I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
    ~I hate shopping
    - Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
    ~I could care lesss
    - Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
    ~$#@! it! jeans, t-shirt and work boots.. done
    - If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
    ~eh.. this doesn't bother me
    - I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
    ~ribs please!
    - Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
    ~I hate when people do this too!
    - Don't ask me to guess what occasion it is, just tell me and what I need to do to get it over with.
    ~I'm no good at remembering $#@! either.. it bothers me when I see girls on facebook saying... "happy 3week anniversary!"... like wtf lol
    - I won't remember anything you say during, A. NFL playoffs, B. NBA playoffs, C. NHL playoffs, D. MLB playoffs
    ~HAHA yup! Don't interrupt me and my boys!!!! Games on, your quiet or GTFO!
    - If a fast car pulls up next to me at a light, there is no stopping what will take place next, just like there is no stopping your period.
    ~ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hell yea!

    that is all ^__^
    Click here to enlarge

  22. #397
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by undercoverangie Click here to enlarge
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA




    that is all ^__^
    That's a nice set of replies Angie... Click here to enlarge
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  23. #398
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by Sticky Click here to enlarge
    That's a nice set of replies Angie... Click here to enlarge
    ^___^
    Click here to enlarge

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    While I was driving to work I saw a girl texting on her phone while driving! I was disgusted so I lowered my window and threw my beer at her.

  25. #400
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    Click here to enlarge Originally Posted by alpinedevil335 Click here to enlarge
    While I was driving to work I saw a girl texting on her phone while driving! I was disgusted so I lowered my window and threw my beer at her.
    Hahahahhahaha!
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